you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You can't special order awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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