just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
