3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
