It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
