Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
