Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think my vagina is haunted
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
