I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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