You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
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Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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