meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
