Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
