i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
