On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
