my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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