if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
