I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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