i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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