In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
