You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
