Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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