i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I just sharted jello shots
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
