we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
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He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
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he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.