billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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