I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
