she woke up with a sticky ear
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
