i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
how drunk are you?
Several
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
