Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
