My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
