This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
