Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
