You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
