just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
