Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
