Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
