good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
