the new term for farting is butt boxing.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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