i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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