she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
