Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
