I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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