you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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