I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
