Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
