the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
