I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
