just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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