I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
