Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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