Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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