i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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