I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
