I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
