mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
