I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
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He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
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Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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